1) Be kind to each other. Say at least 3 nice things to your partner every day until it becomes habit. These should be genuine and the intention behind the words should be to show love and appreciation. It is recommended that for each negative statement you make about your partner you counter with 5 positive statements. Getting in the habit of saying 3 nice things really helps steer you away from those negative statements.

e.g. “I really appreciate the way you make the bed every morning” or, “I like the way you hold the door for strangers.”

2) Encourage your partner.  Praise and encouragement are different. Praise has no back ground (e.g. You are so great! Good job!”). Encouragement offers a reason for the compliment (e.g.  “I think you are so great because of the way you manage to work full time and run your side business” or, “wow, I really think you did a lovely job of painting the fence, the paint is even and precise.”). Encouragement is specific and feels good. In healthy relationships partners encourage eachother often.

3) Kiss or hug your partner for more than 5 seconds once a day. Intimacy is powerful. Honor each other and take time for intimate moments. Often in long term relationships intimacy becomes routine. A quick peck on the cheek before you run out the door. Taking time to slow down and have intentional intimate moments signals that your relationship is worth your time. Please note that it is never ok to force intimacy on your partner. 

4) Try to solve problems together, not against each other. Ask yourself, what is the problem? Is it actually a problem? What will it look like when it is solved? How will I feel when it is solved? How can I help my partner with their problem?  If you can’t imagine what it will look like when the problem is solved there is a chance that your problem is not an external problem, but rather an internal issue. In this case it might be helpful to review the situation and ask yourself what you are really upset about. What would have to happen for you to feel better? Why would it work to help you feel better? Usually the root of the issue can be found from there, but if not it might be helpful to talk to professional.

5) Go out on a date at least once a week. Leave the phones at home. Connect with your partner! Research shows that married couples who go on one date a week tend to have longer marriages. 

6) Work on your friendship. The basis for a great intimate relationship is friendship. Do things together, go out with others together. Respect each other. Ask yourself, “Would I treat a friend this way?”

7) Respond to bids for attention. If your partner asks you a question, answer them. If you need some time to yourself let your partner know. It is important to respond to your partner when they speak to you. When people don’t respond to bids for attention it can signal to their partner that they don’t care. 

8) You are a team, come up with a team motto together. What are your values? What makes your relationship special? A team motto can be a helpful tool to bring you back together when you are in conflict. Making it is also a fun activity that can help foster connection.

9) Go out with other healthy people in healthy relationships. Who you surround yourself with influences how you are in the world. Surround yourself with happy, healthy, couples. 

10) Be an individual. You must still develop your own psyche and work on the things you want to work on.  If you become too enmeshed you loose yourself and could start to resent your partner. Be two individuals who choose to be together.