Navigating ADHD in Relationships: Common Struggles
ADHD doesn’t usually cause unique issues for couples, but it can intensify the things that most couples struggle with.
Here are some things that couples in ADHD relationships often struggle with
1) A Pursuer/Withdrawer pattern.
Often the ADHD partner tends to withdraw from conflicts, doing tasks, or arguments, and the other partner pursues (nitpicking, or reminding the adhd partner how they messed up). The Pursuer might feel they are forced into taking over the household management because they cannot trust their partner. The ADHD partner might feel useless and like they can never do things right.
This can also begin to feel like a parent/child relationship-which no one wants! In order to break the cycle the two partners need to start thinking about how to support each other and what expectations are realistic for themselves and for each other. For people with ADHD, this might mean writing down everything in order not to forget, or creating routines that help them with daily chores and tasks.
2) All or Nothing thinking.
ADHD is characterized by “all or nothing” doing and thinking. For many people with ADHD it can be hard not to see their partner as “all good” or “all bad”. Difficulty with emotional regulation can contribute to this feeling and can cause conflicts to escalate quickly. Often these couples benefit from taking breaks during conflict to regulate and to remember why they love each other.
Balance is a struggle for most people with ADHD but working together to strive for better conflict can help combat the “all or nothing” thinking.
3) Difficulty with remembering.
Working memory issues are often a part of being affected by ADHD. Some examples are: missed birthdays, forgetting dates, not paying bills on time, and forgetting things that are important to the relationship. This can cause a lot of sadness and resentment in relationships where the ADHD partner doesn’t have adequate coping skills.
The non-adhd partner might also not have the skills needed to support the ADHD partner.
The relationship can benefit from the couple talking to each other and being very clear about expectations and needs. The non-adhd partner might need to remind the adhd partner to write everything down. In return the adhd partner needs to do the hard work of writing it all down and setting reminders and alarms.
